It's true. It's 2:33 in the A.M. and although I don't have huge plans for tomorrow, I really should be in bed.
But it's the 6th to the last time I'll sleep in this bed and it be mine, so naturally I'm blogging instead. It sort of doesn't make sense. But it does.
Oddly, in order to enjoy the things I've taken for granted as normal for the past 22 years (or at least the last few years), I find myself disturbing the usual flow of things (even more than they already would be right now) in order to take a step back, gain some perspective, and preserve these things in my memory (although it's probably true that I would be able to remember things more easily if I got enough sleep, but then when would the blogging happen?). It's like in order to get a good memory of being at the pool, I've gotten out of the pool to sit in a lifeguard chair. Yes, I have a good view of the pool and I'm technically still at the pool, but I'm not necessarily enjoying it and I'm not in it.
Tonight, just a little bit ago in fact, my sister came out in tears to the living room to where I was working on designing programs, and I knew exactly why. I put my computer to the side and stood up and hugged her tight. And as I rested my chin on her shoulder I found myself there to comfort her, but I didn't even pay attention to if I felt anything. And then I thought about why she was crying. And then my eyes filled up as well.
I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that being present in every moment isn't exactly what I used to think it was. It isn't necessarily being able to recall every detail of everything that transpired in said moment. It isn't always finding a way to be above the fog of emotions and sleep deprivation. Sometimes being present equals shaking off the third person perspective and entering in-connecting with whatever is going on-even if doing so means you lose your perch from where you could comfortably oversee every aspect of the situation. Although it's important to me to have good, high quality memories of this time, I want to work on simply being over the course of these next 6 days.
It's almost cliche to say this, but sometimes being present means giving up a great instagram photo-op for the sake of an opportunity to show someone you're on their level, that you love them, and that you will genuinely miss not seeing their stinking guts every night before bed.
P.S.
A lot of my posts as of late have been about treasuring this time left before I get married, and I'm sure the reasons for that are obvious. The main one being that I'm leaving a lot of aspects of wonderful things from the life I've always known (mainly my parents and sister) for something new and also wonderful (Jake!). And while I only have a little more time to dwell in what has been all the way up until now, I don't want to downplay the excitement and happiness I have to marry the most wonderful person I could imagine marrying. Especially this past week or so, I know the Lord has been gracious to me with simply allowing me to be happy and enjoy what's coming even though that includes some minor knots of stress too. I hope to devote more posts to that before the wedding, and am planning to write a lot more AFTER the wedding (at which time, I will have a much better perspective of what life looks like on the other side of this huge change and be more informed in order to write).
For now, just know that I'm doing my best to 1. just be in the moments, 2. capture the moments 3. look forward with excitement to the great things coming. But it feels like a juggle so we'll see how this goes and if nothing else, I have learned yet again that I completely need the Lord's help.
But it's the 6th to the last time I'll sleep in this bed and it be mine, so naturally I'm blogging instead. It sort of doesn't make sense. But it does.
Oddly, in order to enjoy the things I've taken for granted as normal for the past 22 years (or at least the last few years), I find myself disturbing the usual flow of things (even more than they already would be right now) in order to take a step back, gain some perspective, and preserve these things in my memory (although it's probably true that I would be able to remember things more easily if I got enough sleep, but then when would the blogging happen?). It's like in order to get a good memory of being at the pool, I've gotten out of the pool to sit in a lifeguard chair. Yes, I have a good view of the pool and I'm technically still at the pool, but I'm not necessarily enjoying it and I'm not in it.
Tonight, just a little bit ago in fact, my sister came out in tears to the living room to where I was working on designing programs, and I knew exactly why. I put my computer to the side and stood up and hugged her tight. And as I rested my chin on her shoulder I found myself there to comfort her, but I didn't even pay attention to if I felt anything. And then I thought about why she was crying. And then my eyes filled up as well.
I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that being present in every moment isn't exactly what I used to think it was. It isn't necessarily being able to recall every detail of everything that transpired in said moment. It isn't always finding a way to be above the fog of emotions and sleep deprivation. Sometimes being present equals shaking off the third person perspective and entering in-connecting with whatever is going on-even if doing so means you lose your perch from where you could comfortably oversee every aspect of the situation. Although it's important to me to have good, high quality memories of this time, I want to work on simply being over the course of these next 6 days.
It's almost cliche to say this, but sometimes being present means giving up a great instagram photo-op for the sake of an opportunity to show someone you're on their level, that you love them, and that you will genuinely miss not seeing their stinking guts every night before bed.
P.S.
A lot of my posts as of late have been about treasuring this time left before I get married, and I'm sure the reasons for that are obvious. The main one being that I'm leaving a lot of aspects of wonderful things from the life I've always known (mainly my parents and sister) for something new and also wonderful (Jake!). And while I only have a little more time to dwell in what has been all the way up until now, I don't want to downplay the excitement and happiness I have to marry the most wonderful person I could imagine marrying. Especially this past week or so, I know the Lord has been gracious to me with simply allowing me to be happy and enjoy what's coming even though that includes some minor knots of stress too. I hope to devote more posts to that before the wedding, and am planning to write a lot more AFTER the wedding (at which time, I will have a much better perspective of what life looks like on the other side of this huge change and be more informed in order to write).
For now, just know that I'm doing my best to 1. just be in the moments, 2. capture the moments 3. look forward with excitement to the great things coming. But it feels like a juggle so we'll see how this goes and if nothing else, I have learned yet again that I completely need the Lord's help.