I haven't posted in a while (or at least it feels that way)and I really wanted to share (with whoever ends up reading this) what I've been learning. It's hard to categorize since we don't learn things in nice little categories and compartments-life does not happen in nice little categories and compartments. But I'll give it my best shot anyway.
The first and boldest thing is that God's not out to get me and what He is really most concerned with is my heart.
One night I was laying in bed feeling drenched in guilt and then the truth hit me like a bolt of lightning. What really matters is my heart, because everything else is not going to last anyway: my image, my emotions, my happiness, not even my sin. So then if my heart is saved, my sin doesn't constitute who I am. So even if I'm surrounded by my own filth and nastiness, something that isn't rotting away lives inside of me. And that something (really someone) is the Real Thing. The Truth, the Light, the Rock that can't rot away.
I guess I really don't know how to convey the full realization of how that hit me with just words. Basically, for some reason, I've been blessed to be able to understand the truth that I have been made new no matter what I DO.
I have realized that I had been trained to look for the guilt after I did something I knew was wrong but that's not what God wants to give me and He is the only voice I want to be listening to. So I can stop listening for the guilt. There is so much freedom in that, I would probably burst even beginning to try to describe it. And that's just the beginning.
In the midst of this, I'm starting to get it into my head and heart that if I'm not defined by the bad things I do, I'm also not defined by the good things I do. My rituals and habits of self-righteousness aren't what make me clean. If the things I do bring a smile to the face of God then I will be fulfilling my highest calling as a human being but they aren't what has saved me. To pretend that they are is really a slap in the face to God and a heartbreaking weight that I cannot carry without crumbling. And I was trying to. Turns out, taking a step back from the things I was using to make myself feel like I deserved grace was exactly what the Lord was waiting for so He could come make my view of Him more right. The freedom that He has given me through that enlightenment is pretty sweet too. I'm really excited for Him to show me more truth cause I feel like I can't get enough. There's just nothing like it.
The first and boldest thing is that God's not out to get me and what He is really most concerned with is my heart.
One night I was laying in bed feeling drenched in guilt and then the truth hit me like a bolt of lightning. What really matters is my heart, because everything else is not going to last anyway: my image, my emotions, my happiness, not even my sin. So then if my heart is saved, my sin doesn't constitute who I am. So even if I'm surrounded by my own filth and nastiness, something that isn't rotting away lives inside of me. And that something (really someone) is the Real Thing. The Truth, the Light, the Rock that can't rot away.
I guess I really don't know how to convey the full realization of how that hit me with just words. Basically, for some reason, I've been blessed to be able to understand the truth that I have been made new no matter what I DO.
I have realized that I had been trained to look for the guilt after I did something I knew was wrong but that's not what God wants to give me and He is the only voice I want to be listening to. So I can stop listening for the guilt. There is so much freedom in that, I would probably burst even beginning to try to describe it. And that's just the beginning.
In the midst of this, I'm starting to get it into my head and heart that if I'm not defined by the bad things I do, I'm also not defined by the good things I do. My rituals and habits of self-righteousness aren't what make me clean. If the things I do bring a smile to the face of God then I will be fulfilling my highest calling as a human being but they aren't what has saved me. To pretend that they are is really a slap in the face to God and a heartbreaking weight that I cannot carry without crumbling. And I was trying to. Turns out, taking a step back from the things I was using to make myself feel like I deserved grace was exactly what the Lord was waiting for so He could come make my view of Him more right. The freedom that He has given me through that enlightenment is pretty sweet too. I'm really excited for Him to show me more truth cause I feel like I can't get enough. There's just nothing like it.