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The Best

Do you ever have those times when you just can't help but cry from deep down?  Sometimes I get this feeling when I'm physically injured and can't help but let myself wimper and breathe dramatically and let the tears come.  It's a good feeling, the feeling of "I've had it, I can't hold this in anymore and I'm finally just gonna face that fact now."  Some people hate it.  Sometimes I do too I guess.  But most of the time I really like not being able to control tears that come because it serves as such a good reminder.  And the reminder is this: my best is not the standard and actually can't win or lose a thing.

My best is actually very weak and small in perspective to the grand scheme of things and the idea that I was actually holding something together was really a quite elaborate illusion.  There is something in the moment of busting out into tears that screams truth and shatters the denial I had been living in. 

Please don't get me wrong and assume that I don't think we should be trying our best; we should.  The 'best' I'm talking about, though, I mean in a different sense than what my mind usually first concludes. 
If the Lord has been hammering one thing into my head and heart lately, it's that He looks at the heart even though man looks at the outward appearance.  That fact seems to warrant a review of every aspect of life because if it is true (which it is), there is most likely a lot about my life that should be changed and/or redefined.  Including my "best". 
My "best" used to mean that would I get good grades, do well in plays, not quit sports, keep up with friends, be on good terms with family, look nice, act nice, handle money well, have a good plan for my future, hold my emotions, appearance and reputation together and didn't ever have to feel pain.   
But He says that instead, my best has everything to do with the state of my heart.  He says my best is faith that has been proven genuine, because that is worth more than precious gold.  He says my best is to lean on Him and not my understanding.  He says my best is to trust and love. 

Sometimes it seems toilsome and complicated to obey and follow Him.  But really, He brings it back to the basics.  I know I'm not the only one who has made up a false religion for myself out of things that make me feel like it was something I did that saved me.  And the truth is, that religion that I make up for myself is so much more burdensome than what He offers me. 
Really, my "best" was an idol.  I thought that if I could do my best, I could earn what He's already given me.  But I can't.  At first that frustrated me and I still wrestle with it.  But the peace of the gospel proves it's own validity.  The fact that I'm not saved through my "best" but through accepting what He's given me really makes sense even though it's the opposite of what I've always wanted to believe.  I know that I wasn't made to hold it all together.  I know I wasn't made to handle the pressure of earning my own way into this grace.  And that moment when I (once again) embrace that I've been saved by grace, through faith in God is where I want to stay.  It's the best place I could ever be or want to be.

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