I sit here in a room on the second floor of this house. The wind coming in through the vent creates a whistling sound. It was only so delicately recently that I felt alone here and this sound reminded me of what I would imagine my heart sounded like. Alone, solitary, dark, abandoned. There are lights on all over but their rays did nothing to warm my soul and they made no difference. The paintings on the walls I found myself afraid of at first glance with no explanation of why. The grand colors on the walls might as well have all been the same shade of gray for all I saw. The soft carpets under my feet didn't even cross my mind as I trudged from here to there. In fact I found myself only wanting to sink down onto them, not because of the comfort they would hold but because I just wanted to sit there and block out all the rest and feel you inside. That's all I want. I want to feel some warmth, my heart to be filled with something of substancial worth. This house proves that nothing I can see will ever be able to replace You.
I was feeling so alone. So solitary, so crushed, so condemned. At first I thought I was doing the condemning since others were the ones falling prey to the vicious thoughts which came out of nowhere and ran right into my mind. But when I found myself in the spotlight of my own judgements, I saw that it was me who was under attack and that these judgement arrows I shot only came back around and hurt me. And then I knew that it was only you who could change things. Because I could see my guilt and that I am deserving of punishment but that's not the whole story. . .
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
When the accuser speaks to me even in so loud a voice I think it is my own and I couldn't ignore it, it is in my weakness that Your power is made perfect. I may not be able to stand a chance on my own in my solitariness when it seems like this coldness I feel is coming from the inside and I can do nothing to warm myself, when it seems like the sound of the wind rushing through the vents of this house is what my heart should sound like. But somehow in that moment when I know fully that it is not by my own strength that You love me no matter what, You come and fill me with love, with warmth, with fire. You come and take over. You do what I was longing for you to do once I finally let go of my fight to have gained it on my own merit- even when what I wanted to achieve was a heart that is worth something. I can't even do that on my own.
Nothing is different with the house, but something is different inside of me. I noticed it was chilly so I put on a sweater but I am not cold on the inside anymore. I don't know what You did but I have a joy and peace that comes only from you and I am reminded that the fire is there. I think what you did is as simple as answer. An answer I have nothing to offer in return for except my thanks and my love.
"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of one's house for love, it would be utterly scorned. " Song of Solomon 8:6-7
I was feeling so alone. So solitary, so crushed, so condemned. At first I thought I was doing the condemning since others were the ones falling prey to the vicious thoughts which came out of nowhere and ran right into my mind. But when I found myself in the spotlight of my own judgements, I saw that it was me who was under attack and that these judgement arrows I shot only came back around and hurt me. And then I knew that it was only you who could change things. Because I could see my guilt and that I am deserving of punishment but that's not the whole story. . .
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9When the accuser speaks to me even in so loud a voice I think it is my own and I couldn't ignore it, it is in my weakness that Your power is made perfect. I may not be able to stand a chance on my own in my solitariness when it seems like this coldness I feel is coming from the inside and I can do nothing to warm myself, when it seems like the sound of the wind rushing through the vents of this house is what my heart should sound like. But somehow in that moment when I know fully that it is not by my own strength that You love me no matter what, You come and fill me with love, with warmth, with fire. You come and take over. You do what I was longing for you to do once I finally let go of my fight to have gained it on my own merit- even when what I wanted to achieve was a heart that is worth something. I can't even do that on my own.
Nothing is different with the house, but something is different inside of me. I noticed it was chilly so I put on a sweater but I am not cold on the inside anymore. I don't know what You did but I have a joy and peace that comes only from you and I am reminded that the fire is there. I think what you did is as simple as answer. An answer I have nothing to offer in return for except my thanks and my love.
"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of one's house for love, it would be utterly scorned. " Song of Solomon 8:6-7