I'd Like to Add . . .

Today is Christmas Eve Eve.  I worked almost all day.  I'm very thankful for the hours and I didn't have other plans so I didn't mind being there. One of my managers kept asking me if I was in a bad mood though.  I think 3 times she asked me this today between the two shifts that I worked.  At first I just thought I wasn't really paying attention to my facial expressions since I was busy and tired (I tend to look mad when I'm not paying attention and tired). Then I started thinking about it more and I realized that maybe there was something wrong deep down and I hadn't even noticed it. There has been quite a bit on my mind for the past few months and especially this past week or so- I had noticed that- but I didn't know it had gotten to me so much.  I am thankful though because it gives me an opportunity to give the burden to the Lord.  This whole thing has made me think that even though there is noticeably something on my heart the fact that Christmas i...

17. What is one thing have you not done that you really want to do and what’s holding you back? Geesh! This is a tough one cause there is a pretty long list of things I want to do at some point in my life so I'll just adress the main reasons why I haven't done most of them yet.   The first reason is that some of these things will cost money.  A lot of money.  Things like (but not limited to) having my own house or traveling to places I would like to either visit or revisit.   The second reason is that some of the things that I want to do are things that I wouldn't want in this part of my life but would really like to have someday.  Like a husband and a family. Sometimes the hindrance is both time and money because I hope that when the time comes for some things (like the house and travel-and kids I guess too) that I'll have the money for them too.   (18 is answered in a separate post a while ago) 19. If you had to move to a state or country besides ...

I walk around on dark days wishing things were different.  Not just wanting to sit back and be content.  The sky describes my mood well on these days- gray all over with spots of lighter and darker as the wind sways the trees but it is puzzlingly not cold out. I wonder, did the founding fathers encourage the pursuit of happiness because they knew at some point we would reach the end and find you? "Why can't I just be happy?" I wonder. But happiness was never promised to me. Sometimes I think if only ____ and I could grasp it. But happiness is, in fact, very weak because the more it is trusted in and sought after, the more of a phantom it really becomes and the farther away it flees. I somewhat know how happiness is not found but I have a much less clear picture of how it is found (or I might not be sitting here writing this and instead be basking in it). What I do know about how it is found is that if you let it go and do not waste your life chasing after it, once...

I haven't posted in a while (or at least it feels that way)and I really wanted to share (with whoever ends up reading this) what I've been learning.  It's hard to categorize since we don't learn things in nice little categories and compartments-life does not happen in nice little categories and compartments.  But I'll give it my best shot anyway. The first and boldest thing is that God's not out to get me and what He is really most concerned with is my heart. One night I was laying in bed feeling drenched in guilt and then the truth hit me like a bolt of lightning.  What really matters is my heart, because everything else is not going to last anyway: my image, my emotions, my happiness, not even my sin.  So then if my heart is saved, my sin doesn't constitute who I am. So even if I'm surrounded by my own filth and nastiness, something that isn't rotting away lives inside of me.  And that something (really someone) is the Real Thing.  The Truth, th...

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? I think this question can mean 2 different things.  1 being: How come the answer to my happiness isn't the answer to everyone else's happiness? 2 being: Why do the things that make you happy make the people around you unhappy? In the context of the 1st case, (which is what I'm assuming is the actual context of the question) I think that answer has to do with the fact that happiness cannot be fabricated and therefore is hard for any one person to find for themselves.   It's like a chemical reaction   (it actually is a chemical reaction, since it's an emotion) that nobody really knows how to tame.  A vapor that even I don't know how to shape into what I want it to be.  (I hope to do a whole post on my opinion of happiness someday on here but for now, this will do.) I have not yet found a way to harness happiness for myself.  If I had though, the specific chemical formula that would "c...

Obviously when people are vulnerable, what you see isn't always pretty.  Actually usually it's very nasty and gruesome. There's a lot of pain whether it's in the past or the present.  If the pain is present, it is a wound.  Wounds may be intriguing sometimes but are usually ugly. If that pain was in the past, there is now some scar tissue.  Sometimes scar tissue is a good thing, like when it physically comes and takes the place of a wound.  Usually when scar tissue is more emotional and symbolic though, it isn't such a good thing except that it means the absence of the wound.  It's still very messy. Being vulnerable is something that takes a lot of bravery because the one being vulnerable knows deep down that what is there isn't pretty whether that's wounds or scars.  I want to write tonight about the beauty of vulnerability itself. There is something to be respected about vulnerability that I don't think one grasps until they either are vulnera...

"You were wearied by all your ways, but you would not say, 'It is hopeless.' You found renewal of your strength, and so you did not faint." Isaiah 57:10 I don't want to mar or dilute these words by speaking too much (even though I don't have that kind of power over them). Sometimes we are called to be silent and use everything within us to just believe.  Sometimes accepting that is harder than others. Sometimes it's easy and blatantly obvious to recognize.  This verse is more on the blatantly obvious side to me because so many days I find myself obviously wearied by all my ways. There's no denying, excusing or ignorance of the fact that all my strivings and all my self-righteousness is too much for me to bear. I wasn't made to. But I know the truth is that it is not hopeless, despite what my self-pity would have me believe. Because of that, I find renewal of my strength and cannot fall. This is something I know needs to just be believed. My ...

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I would try to argue against what they were saying if there was a way to do so (which, if the criticism was unjustified, there probably would be a legit counterargument).  If there wasn't a good way to argue against what they were saying in defense of my friend, I would try to change the subject.  As long as they weren't being jerks about it and it only happened once, I don't know if I would confront them about what they were doing.  I would probably just try to change the topic of conversation but if it kept going back to the criticism I would confront them or point out why it shouldn't be happening.  Chances are if these are three people that I admire, they would have been doing the criticism unknowingly and once it was pointed out to them, they would real...

Yesterday was my birthday and I am thankful for how it has been.  I think happy would be one word to describe it.  I would also say subtly blessed is another good way to put it because there weren't any obviously hugely life-changing things that went on.  I didn't get a new car or house but the events that occurred are things I couldn't have placed together myself and in that, I saw God.  So I couldn't be happier with all the little things that happened for my birthday. I got to spend the day before it with some awesome friends, the evening before it with some amazing family, and then some more time with friends the night leading up to it (these friends sang the first few rounds of "Happy Birthday" to me at Walgreens at midnight might I add). I spent the night with one of the best friends I could have been blessed with (Chels) who did those little things that mean a lot-just to make me feel special (like playing music I like and counting down the minutes ti...

I went a little bit out of order because, in all honesty I'm in a strange mood tonight.  Actually it's not too strange at all because I find myself feeling this way very often.  Sort of a romantic, very emotional, but also melancholy feeling.  I don't feel like going further into it but I wanted to find a question whose answer I felt like answering.  So number 18 it is. 18.Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes.  In fact I am.  I know I'm holding onto something that's a very big deal (and a lot of other little things that someday might become big deals if they're not dealt with).  This thing that I'm holding onto that I know is a big deal though, I don't know exactly what it is.  I know I need to let go, but I don't know of what.  But I guess here's where I need to let go of my every possible mental projection of the future and trust God with every option.  Maybe someday He will make it clear what I need to let ...

I stumbled on this song while listening to my iPod on shuffle the other day and I really like it.  I downloaded it as a discovery download from iTunes a while back and didn't listen to it but now I'm so glad I own it (and fo free!).  It made me realize how much I like Dubstep too.  I would define it almost as a mix of Hardcore and Techno with more easily understandable words for the most part (even though they may not make much sense in this song).  Not saying I love the music video as much as I do the song, but this  song makes me want to dance like she does 2:15 into the video.  The band sort of reminds me of Skrillex (who I also have discovered I like).  I wouldn't say it's my favorite genre, but Dubstep is definitely one I didn't know I was missing.

I haven't posted much lately and of those that I have posted, most have been answers to the 50 Questions that will free your mind so I think an update on me is in order.  So here's a few random things that have been going on in my life. A while ago I talked about how I was very torn and confused and felt like I was standing in the middle of a storm. The tug-of-war in my mind hasn't changed very much but it feels like the storm that struck up every time I went to think about the situation has quieted down. The way I am viewing the situation is changing (and has already changed a considerable amount).  I know that it's only by the grace of God that I feel a lot better about it so I'm thankful. On a different note. . .  I've been working this fall but I am thinking and praying about taking one or two classes at IPFW this spring semester.  Trying to decide if that's something God wants me to invest my money and time in or if He has other things for ...

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Something about all of these questions is that there are a lot of different levels to which they can be answered.  At least for me and the particular place in life that I'm at right now.  On a day to day basis, I believe I do what I believe in.  And, because our every days make up the long haul, I believe with my life in general I am doing what I believe in.  I don't really have many big dreams which might be weird but it's just the case with me.  I do believe that God has plans for me and the way that those will be played out is by me following him with every step.  So yes, I am doing what I believe in.  8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? If I were only going to live till I was 40 (which is about 21 more years), I think my whole life would be very different because the society in which I was raised would be very ...

I'm back at this again cause as simple as it is, answering these questions is pretty fun as well as thought provoking. 4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Funny that I'm answering this question in a blog where I feel as though I say plenty.  .  This is an area where I want to change.  I don't think I say exponentially more than I do but the ratio probably isn't equal.  I honestly think this is and area that the Lord is helping me change in.  I think He is teaching me to have a more gentle heart in confronting people and to have a more quiet and still heart in spending time with him.  To become a person of action in response to understanding and knowing truth- not just talking about it.  So to answer the question, if the world ended right now, I probably have said more than I've done.  That's just from my own personal perspective though and what I see in myself isn't always the way it really is.  But t...

As has happened many times before, I've been inspired by a fellow blogger to do something that I'll do for the first time in my blog- start a project!  The basis of this project is derived from 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind (I did not compose these questions.  Apparently they're a popular set of questions to ask yourself, according to google.) For a while I've wanted to answer questions about myself on my blog (mostly because I think it would be fun to do, but also) because since this is my blog, answering questions on it makes for good blog content.  I don't know how many posts it will take me to answer all 50 questions in because it looks like answers will vary in complexity and I have the tendency to get wordy and go on and on.  Plus, there's really no telling where my mind will meander to answering some of these.  So without further adeu, here it goes! 1. How old would you be, if you didn’t know how old you are? I've actually thought about t...

Jesus, I'm sitting outside and I was about ready to blog but you told me to pray for a while first and since mom and Sarah are laying on the deck here next to where I'm sitting I think the best way for me to do that right now is to write out my prayer with this keyboard.  It's a little chilly just sitting out here but it's November 6th and I'm amazed that it's not unpleasantly cold.  And the sky is all cloud covered but it's still beautiful.  There's something about it that's beautiful.  I think it's the color.  I can't decide whether it's purple or orange but I think it's a mix of the two.  It's beautiful the way it shows off the silhouettes of the trees too.  It's beautiful laying on my back on the deck staring up at the vast sky.  You have really helped me get my mind a lot clearer tonight and I appreciate it.  I know it probably can't keep on lasting exactly like this because I still feel a pinching on my heart, an a...

There are so many things I want to be able to talk about or do but I'm so often intimidated to do so.  Sometimes I wish I could write on exactly what I think on a certain matter but when I go to gather inspiration or more information on a topic, I instead end up realizing how unknowledgeable I am on the subject.  I walk away thinking that I'm incompetent of giving my opinion because I haven't thought through every aspect of a topic and don't know all the information.  Well, that's never going to happen. While I want to be a person who seeks wisdom, I also need to understand that I can't always know everything before I'm eventually going to have to make decisions. Right now, I'm sort of sick and tired of myself being indecisive just because I don't know the "whole story". I will never know the whole story because frankly, I'm not God and I don't know the future.  I don't know if tomorrow I will regret the decision I made today...

I haven't done a moving music post in a while so after having listened to The Fray a lot lately, I decided to write about them.  Instead of writing about my favorite song of theirs (I do have a favorite), I would rather write about all of their music in general.  I think what makes The Fray great is that they write such high quality music, but don't seem to be prideful about it.  Some musicians are good at coming up with catchy music and they know it.  The music of The Fray is definitely catchy, but they don't seem to play that card just to get their songs on the radio. I respect that about the band.  Musically Isaac Slade, the band's lead singer, has a voice that in my opinion not only sounds good on their more hardcore songs (like parts of "Little House"), but also in acoustic songs (like "Happiness") as well as in cover songs (such as "Eleanor Rigby" and "Heartless".)  The guitar and piano melodies that sound wonderful on...

I realized that so much of what I write is relatively abstract.  Obviously I don't share too many details with the world wide web (which I don't plan to start doing), but I realize from a reader's perspective that that might get a little frustrating.  I might be wrong but in the case that I'm not, I'll write about something very clear.  I don't know what yet, but something that I can just tell you ALL the details about. Maybe I'll write about a handful of little things. Right now, at this very moment, I'm (sort of) watching the movie Rango with my sister (whilst composing a blog of course).  My sister is a big Johnny Depp fan and I suppose seeing an animated movie where he technically makes no actual appearance except in voice is still enough to attract her.  She asked me to pick it up from a redbox tonight so I obliged. It doesn't seem like that amazing of a movie but it does have some clever parts so I don't think it was a waste of time or mo...

My spirit is quiet at the present moment, but not out of contentment I'm sorry to say.  Or maybe I'm not sorry to say.  This has been on my mind a lot lately. . .the fact that the reason my soul is quiet (and at unrest) is not in vain. I know (and you've probably heard time and time again) that everything happens for a reason.  I've been struggling with the question though that when we are going through heartache for which we can clearly blame ourselves, is it still "something happening for a reason" or have we just messed up pretty bad?   I'm choosing to believe (and reason) that even in the circumstances where I have gotten myself into a big mess, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is working the situation out for my good.  Not for my contentment. Not for my happiness.  But for my good.   I know that even though I get myself into scenarios where I don't even know which way is up, He will be faithful to complete the good work He started in me....

I want to write. all that i want to just vomit from my heart i don't think i should though. (sorry, cause that was gross but it's the best way i know how to describe it).  i'll just be vague about it. this is something (like all other things) that i needs to put into Jesus' hands.  and i have, but i know this is something that just needs to sit and simmer inside me. i know this because this thing is a thought i have been fleeing for a while now and it won't work anymore for me just turn my back to it and say "i'll think you through later."  the thing is, now that i am taking the thought on, i don't know what to do with it.  time will probably help with that. i pray that it does. i'm the type of person that doesn't like for things to not be settled.  all i can do right now though is stand in the middle of the unsettled thought.  in my minds eye, i stand in the midst of  a small windstorm (but it's still much bigger than i am). it's...

*the title in no way reflects the content of this blog post. When I started typing the title it came up as an option so I decided that a completely irrelevant title was what I wanted to give this post. Also, this blog was written a long time ago and I never got around to finishing and posting it at the time, but I do still mean what it says so, here it is. Enjoy! _____________________________________________________ If you follow me or read this, (which, if you're reading this right now, you are at least half guilty of) I just wanted to say, "hey".  If you want to reply then by all means, a comment is welcome.  The real point of my typing at this exact moment in time though, when I could be doing so many other things, is to just send this message out into the vast, mysterious society that is the internet. You know what?  It's actually more than that though because each member and participant of this strange, abstract society has a heart, a mind, and ...

I'm in the car listening to the new Owl City CD (All Things Bright and Beautiful) and in the first song, "The Real World", some of the lyrics are "reality is a lovely place but I wouldn't want to live there." While I've been really enjoying the music of Owl City lately and have been very fond of some of the lyrics I've noticed in some of the songs I've heard (especially on the new album), I can't say I agree with those lyrics. You know those times in the middle of a movie when you remember that you're you and have your own life that isn't what's going on int he movie?  Well sometimes things going on in my life become like the movie to me.  Or like a dream.  And then God wakes me up and pulls my mind out of the movie and everything around just stops. And I realize I'm happy to be standing on the truth.  On real life.  I'm happy for the reason I can have hope- that in reality, I belong to Jesus.  And that's not a figme...

(I put the music at the top so you can listen while reading, if that's your thing, instead of discovering it at the end and having to sit here and listen to the whole song with no music video or anything.  Sorry, I tried to find a version with one but I don't think a  music video for this song exists.  Sometimes it's easier to appreciate the musical side of a song without a music video anyway though so I hope that's the case here.) First off, let me start out with saying that I am not paid or singing the praises of this website for any reason other than my own appreciation toward it.  Ok. Now that that's out of the way, let me introduce you to something that has changed my life.  By the way, I think that phrase is sometimes under-used.  So many little things end up changing our lives as much as (sometimes more than) the big and obvious life-changing things that are commonly the only things referred to as "life-changing".  Anyways, a webs...

0 DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT!!! WOOHOOO! It feels weird. I don't really know what to do.  I feel like I should celebrate but I'm not really sure how.  Maybe it should be one of those thought celebrations.  Like when you communicate with somebody by saying hardly anything at all.  Yes.  I think that's what it should be.  One of those celebrations where instead of partying it up and yelling "woohoo!", you look the person who brought you through in the eye and say "thank you".  Maybe the only way we can really feel fulfilled by partying it up and yelling "woohoo!" is once we've looked that person in the eye and said "thank you".  For me, that person is God. Having zero days left of school means more to me than just the end of tardy bells and state standards.  To me, having zero days left of school means that God has brought me through 720 days (in high school alone) and that I don't need to be afraid of the next thing he brings me thr...

Hello, reader.  If you do follow this blog at all you may have noticed that I haven't written a single word for this blog in quite a while (27 days, to be exact).  It's not that I didn't have an interest to blog, the matter was more one of time and the call for my attention from "higher priorities".  I suppose those two reasons could really be considered one and the same.  One of the things I (un)affectionately consider a "high priority" was a research paper I had to write for a college class.  Don't get me wrong, I don't despise all assignments.  I actually enjoyed writing the paper but there's something about writing something because you have to that makes it not as fun as writing because you want to (as is the case of a blog, for instance).  It's probably some crazy thing I was born with like an annoyance for doing things I am being forced to do and would otherwise be happy doing, had I not been instructed to. I don't know.  B...

So a few months ago I got to go to an acoustic concert of the band, The Icarus Account (which consists of two twin brothers, Ty and Trey Turner, who both play guitar and sing).  I had heard of them before from a friend and liked their stuff but once I saw them live I really fell for the musical side of their songs. I walked away from that concert thinking that there wasn't a chord I heard that night that I didn't like.  There is a certain way of playing guitar that almost takes my breath away- they play guitar that way.  I like a lot of their songs but this is one that I get stuck in my head so I thought it would be fitting to write a post about it and put it in my moving music category.  Sorry I couldn't get a better video but they don't have music videos as far as I know (please let me know if you've seen one by them!) and all the live videos have bad sound quality and the sound is the best part so I thought this video was suitable.   "Closer...

We all have a niche for music of some kind or another somewhere within us.  The combination of music that each person loves will always be unique just to them.  It makes sense to me to think of it as their "music world".  I want to share (of what I have already come across) what music makes up my music world. I love music.  Some songs, types, genres and artists I appreciate and others I don't favor as much.  I want to invite you into the world of music that moves me.  Some music I am drawn to because of it's melody, some because of the lyrics tied to it, and some because of the combination of the two. I want to start a category of posts to feature this music.  To be honest the idea sort of comes from someone else's blog.  She critiques a different piece of music every Monday but as I don't post consistently, mine's a little different. My idea for this is that I highlight a specific piece of music for each post I do for this new category and ju...

Oh the things I wish I could do.  The person I wish I was and could be.  The skills I wish I had.  The ways I wish I felt.  The character I wish I was.   The things I long to express.  The daughter, the sister, the friend I wish I could be.  The things I long to be close to. Here with a keyboard under my fingers, the possibilities are practically endless.  I could write a novel or pour my heart out, but it feels like something is boxing me in.  With time, maybe I could be all those things I wish I could do and be but I will never be perfect. I'm going to have to learn that when it comes to the stars I want to grasp, I will never be in a perfect place to jump for them. I will never be able to write in all justice, about something I want to write about.  I will never be able to fully express myself in a way that some other human will fully know.  I might not succeed in writing a book that changes somebody's life because I don't know...

There is nothing like a good outlook to have going into any situation-and when I say "good outlook" I don't mean optimistic about how something will turn out.  I mean the perspective going into something (especially things you don't want to have to do) that even though the situation before you sucks, you've blown it over and over again and nothing in the scenario looks bright to you, you know it's not about your situation or how you are going to get through it.  This, I believe, is where hope comes in-that thing, that knowledge that does not come from you or your circumstances says that it's going to be alright.  It's the third party that sticks it's head in the door and says "Hi" when you don't know how you are going to be able to deal with what's presently in front of you.  It is something bigger than what time can hold-something that lasts even when you think you won't be able to. In my mind's eye, it is what we walk ...

March for Life This is basically my summary of the trip to Washington D.C. I went on in January to March for Life that my last post spoke a little of.  I thought I would write it up here since I already had most of this written down in my journal and it seemed like it could make a good blog post. Some of it might be a little redundant of my last post but it has more details and some new content as well. It's not a thriller novel, but it's a literary snapshot of a few days of my life.  Enjoy =) United States House Chamber Went to Washington D.C. on the night of Jan. 22 (around 9 p.m.).  Traveled by bus all night and got there around 10 a.m.  Then we went to the holocaust museum with our group and chaperons and then got to tour the capitol building with Marlin Stutzman and his family and heard stories about things there (statues, paintings, certain locations) from Mrs. Stutzman (Christy) and a tour guide.  We got to go into the house chamber (quite an hono...

I got back about a month ago from Washington D.C. and though I've only been there twice, I always find that I enjoy myself immensely when I am there.  For so many reasons I enjoy the city.  One reason is the architecture that takes my breath away.  I am awed by the creativity and strength in the design of the buildings, which remind me of another reason I am such a fan of Washington D.C..  Looking at the setup of the historical landmarks and the designs of the buildings themselves I am reminded of the weight of what goes on there on a daily basis.  Not only are these buildings houses of world-changing laws are being made in on a daily basis, they are historical monuments. On January 23rd, I (and a group of others from my town) was blessed to be given a tour of the Capitol Building by Marlin Stutzman (Indiana 3rd district congressional representative) and his wife, Christy.  As we went through the building, Mrs. Stutzman told the group stories of many...

Well, as the title suggests, I haven't written in a while to state the obvious- and if you know me in real life you would know that I like to sometimes do that because it just needs to be done from time to time.  There's not a particular topic that I wanted to blog about tonight but I felt the urge to blog partly because I haven't in a while and partly because I was inspired to after reading the blogs of some other people.  Some of those were Julian Smith, Adam Young, and a former teacher of mine (who shall remain nameless because she doesn't advertise her own name in her blog so I won't do that to her in mine).  I like Julian Smith's blog because it partially shows off the real person and thoughts of the person behind all the videos on youtube and juliansmith.tv.  I enjoy reading Adam Young's blog (and previous tweets) because I like his music, his beliefs, and a lot of the whitty things he has to say (espe...